if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Weirdly Wednesday.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER