ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You Might Also Like
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
This is the one
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle