Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
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Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.