If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.