Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Tell the colonel to bring it
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.