Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
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[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.