Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me and the Superbowl rn
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
You’ll be OK
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!