Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?