[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
#gardening
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.