Are you ok, human???
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?