I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous