i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up