For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics