Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.