Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.