I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now