I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms