Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
wtf management?!
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.