Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My dog learned how to text
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”