I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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dads on road-trips be like
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.