STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??