Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*