@tchrquotes: There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.
@tchrquotes: Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.
@tchrquotes: Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
@tchrquotes: What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn't eat whole rotisserie chickens?
@tchrquotes: Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You're not going to believe this
@tchrquotes: Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
@tchrquotes: Superman: I got this
Batman: I'll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I'm a detective
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
@tchrquotes: When she said "I think we got way too much pizza." I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
@tchrquotes: And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.