Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tchrquotes's best tweets

@tchrquotes : If you're filling a glass up and stop halfway, it's half full. If you're emptying a glass and stop halfway, it's half empty. You're welcome

@tchrquotes: [Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@tchrquotes: Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don't want to look smart?
Me: You're doing great.

@tchrquotes: My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like"Love you," & "DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

@tchrquotes: There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.

@tchrquotes: Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.

@tchrquotes: Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@tchrquotes: What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn't eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@tchrquotes: Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You're not going to believe this

@tchrquotes: Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.