Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tchrquotes's best tweets

@tchrquotes : Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die. Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.

@tchrquotes: Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@tchrquotes: What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn't eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@tchrquotes: Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You're not going to believe this

@tchrquotes: Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

@tchrquotes: Superman: I got this
Batman: I'll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I'm a detective
S: ...
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

@tchrquotes: When she said "I think we got way too much pizza." I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@tchrquotes: And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

@tchrquotes: 6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What's that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

@tchrquotes: Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco...
Me: I'll have 9 tacos.