If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
You Might Also Like
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I want to meet the individual who made this
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.