Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.