Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
just witnessed a drug deal
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format