Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?