Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
c’mon!
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Wise advice
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.