Lmfaoooooo
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.