ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: