Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.