if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.