I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
next level snooze
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Many hands make light work
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
fair
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.