Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You Might Also Like
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.