You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh