If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha