Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.