Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
they split up moments later
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion