you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.