This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
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Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Always.
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.