Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
what could possibly go wrong?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
We’ve all been there…
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Important
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Can Happiness buy money?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open