[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Passwords are more important than ever.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If looks could kill
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude