Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of theDanLawler's best tweets

@theDanLawler : A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

@theDanLawler: No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you're less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

@theDanLawler: New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I'll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much

@theDanLawler: I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

@theDanLawler: Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

@theDanLawler: Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.

@theDanLawler: I'm thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

@theDanLawler: I'm hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

@theDanLawler: Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@theDanLawler: Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.