omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.