Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of theSolemnBard's best tweets

@theSolemnBard : ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight. WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor. ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

@theSolemnBard: ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

@theSolemnBard: INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

@theSolemnBard: DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it's bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I'm afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it's bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

@theSolemnBard: [scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I'm suffewing, Henwi.

@theSolemnBard: INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.