“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers