[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.