[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
You Might Also Like
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
True
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
An odd boast
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked