Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.