if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane