[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.